{"id":168,"date":"2011-09-27T20:32:03","date_gmt":"2011-09-27T20:32:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.collaborativepracticechicago.com\/hp_wordpress\/?p=168"},"modified":"2014-10-05T02:39:53","modified_gmt":"2014-10-05T02:39:53","slug":"collaborative-divorce-may-seem-risky-but-it-can-be-done","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.collaborativepracticechicago.com\/hp_wordpress\/archives\/168","title":{"rendered":"Collaborative Divorce may seem risky, but it can be done!"},"content":{"rendered":"

I just finished reading a piece from the Harvard Business review<\/a> about how to effectively ‘Collaborate’ with business associates.\u00a0 With thanks to the author, I apply some of her thoughts to working with Collaborative Practice as a divorcing couple.<\/p>\n

Collaborative divorce works by treating the couple, and their professionals as a Team.\u00a0 The task at hand for the team is to reassign the responsibilities and obligations of the couple and and redistribute their assets and liabilities so that each of them AND their children can move forward with their respective needs being met as well as possible.\u00a0 Not exactly a ‘simple’ task, bot one in which either the couple can see themselves as adversaries trying to ‘win’ or as team members working together toward overlapping goals.\u00a0 In CP, we support clients in that latter view.<\/p>\n

So what’s so difficult and ‘risky’ about working in Collaboration with your soon-to-be-ex?\u00a0 It almost always comes to some question of Trust.\u00a0 “How do I trust this person?”\u00a0 It’s understandable and normal as a couple has moved toward ending their marriage, that there be, well an reduction in the amount of trust between them.\u00a0 And yet, they need to trust each other enough to work together at the tasks at hand.\u00a0 How do they do that?\u00a0 As it was put in the article that moved me:\u00a0 “How do we lay the groundwork for trust so that when we need to collaborate we can quickly slip into a workable partnership?<\/a>”\u00a0 She offers four thoughts that I’ll use as a starting point:<\/p>\n

1. “Start with simple exchanges where the cost of betrayal is low.”<\/strong>\u00a0 As with most of the process, you’ll work with especially the involved Mental Health professionals to find a starting place.\u00a0 What’s a topic where you DO trust the other person?\u00a0 There is one….even if it’s only scheduling a next meeting and trusting that s\/he will show up.\u00a0 Another good one will involve gathering documents that relate to finances.<\/p>\n

2. “Remember that our collaborators are competent”<\/strong>\u00a0 You know full well what you’re soon-to-be-ex is good at.\u00a0 Step aside for a moment from the normal desire to paint him\/her as a complete fool, so that you both can benefit from what s\/he is good at.\u00a0 Do this also with your professionals!<\/p>\n

3. “Don’t take advantage of our collaborators’ deficiencies.”<\/strong>\u00a0 You also know what s\/he is not so good at.\u00a0 It doesn’t help you to call attention to wait for him\/her to mess up and then to call attention to it.\u00a0 Really, if they’ve been really bad at remembering tasks, don’t sit in the wings for them to forget something so that you can say “See!!”\u00a0 Try pretending that s\/he isn’t going to do it on purpose.\u00a0 Instead, raise it in private with your professionals so that they can come up with ways to bolster the deficiency…so that you both benefit.<\/p>\n

4. “Give others their due, and expect yours in return.”<\/strong>\u00a0 When your soon-to-be-ex does something, don’t just take it as a given.\u00a0 Even worse, don’t treat it as an unexpected surprise!\u00a0 Instead, recognize that you two are working together and that every you or s\/he does to accomplish your goals benefits you both.\u00a0 Acknowledge it as such.\u00a0 A simple ‘thank you’ can go a lot further than a ‘fiiiiiinally!’<\/p>\n

If you think this sounds difficult, I encourage you to think about what is at stake here.\u00a0 Your marriage is ending, but engaging in Collaborative Practice with your soon-to be-ex is about giving yourself the best chance at starting your post-marriage life positively.\u00a0 It may not be easy, but aren’t you worth it?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I just finished reading a piece from the Harvard Business review about how to effectively ‘Collaborate’ with business associates.\u00a0 With thanks to the author, I apply some of her thoughts to working with Collaborative Practice as a divorcing couple. Collaborative divorce works by treating the couple, and their professionals as a Team.\u00a0 The task at … Continue reading Collaborative Divorce may seem risky, but it can be done!<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":[],"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,4,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-168","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-resources","category-why-cp","category-whatittakes"],"yoast_head":"\nCollaboration may seem 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